How to get what you want

Couple giving present

Recently I gave a talk about relationships. Both intimate and interpersonal. It was a Meet Up group that I run and I talk about concepts that will help improve your life. From nutrition and health, to mindset, psychology and on this occasion relationships. Valentine’s Day had just gone after all!

Here’s the one point that I want to explain though and that is relevant to your relationships with others.

We give as we want to receive.

What does that mean?

Let’s take intimate relationships as it’s an easy example to explain.

We express our love for the other person in the way that we want them to express it back to us. We all have preferred modes (or modalities in the NLP world) of expressing ourselves.

Primarily this are auditory, kinaesthetic and visual. There are others too (gustatory, olfactory and also something called auditory digital – but we don’t need to get into those today).

Taking the three prime modalities though – auditory, kinaesthetic and visual.

If you are primarily kinaesthetic (and it can be context and time dependant, but usually when it comes to say expressing love, we have a preference), then you might show your love for someone by being very tactile. Hugging them, kissing them, holding their hands etc.

You might think that show your partner that you love them. But they say to you.

“You don’t love me. I mean, you never say it.”

They are most probably auditory in nature (for the purposes of acknowledging your love)

But you say

“How can you feel that way. I’m always affectionate to you.”

“But you never say it. Man, you’re not hearing me. You never listen to me”

Notice how one person is using kinaesthetic language (the word feel), whereas the other is using auditory (hearing, listen, say).

The first person is kinaesthetic and so responds best to those kinds of expressions and so gives love in the same way. By expressing it physically.

However the partner wants to experience love in an auditory sense. Of course, we all want to have expressions of love in ALL ways (auditory, kinaesthetic and visual), but one is usually primary.

How to identify that in a partner.

Ask them.

“For you to be truly loved by me, I have to do what?”

“Is it when I show you (e.g. acts of love like taking the trash out, cooking, etc)”

“When I tell you (e.g. I love you, you’re the most important thing in my life, etc)”

“Or when I express it physically (e.g. massage, foot rubs, hugging, holding, kissing etc)”

They’ll probably say all three modes, but persevere. Which is the most important way. What really shows you that I love you.

That’s their primary mode.

It might well be different to yours. As you will give as you want to receive.

And it’s not just in intimate relationships either.

The same can be said at work – maybe for praising an individual on their work.

Perhaps you tell them or announce their good work to everyone, or maybe you show them with giving them more responsibility, or give them a high five. Whatever.

Just think about how you express praise, love whatever the sentiment. Chances are it’s in the way that you want to receive it. Not necessarily the way the other person wants to receive it.

Understanding that people have different modalities for interpreting sentiment and understanding situations will greatly improve your effectiveness in communicating with the other person.

What do you think?

Does this make sense to you? Let me know below.

What do you think?